Running to Stand Still

This past weekend, my mom took me on an amazing birthday trip (1/2 year delayed, but wait till you hear what we did!). We saw U2 in concert on their 30th Anniversary Joshua Tree Album tour. She drove up to Tulsa Wednesday, spent 2 nights with me and Dave, and then her and I road tripped down to Dallas for the concert. It was amazing, blew my socks off, the boys still have it!

We then played and relaxed at the Gaylord Texan resort Saturday and headed north on I-35 Sunday.

As I danced, sang, yelled and was in awe over my favorite band Friday night, unbelievably, my head and heart turned back to our infertility journey. One of my favorite songs from the Joshua Tree Album is Running to Stand Still. As I listened to Bono passionately sing through the lyrics, I thought, "oh my gosh, some of this is me. Some of this song is about what I've been living the last 5 years." I've been running only to stand still.

"And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lyin' still.
Said I gotta do something
About where we're goin'.

Step on a fast train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night.
Singing ah, ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.

Sweet the sin, bitter the taste in my mouth.
I see seven towers, but I only see one way out.
You gotta cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice.
You know I took the poison, from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here, singing
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.

She walks through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain.
In through a doorway
She brings me white golden pearls
Stolen from the sea.

She is ragin'
She is ragin'
And the storm blows up in her eyes.
She will suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand still."

Now if some of these lyrics are about drug abuse, no, I haven't turned to that. But I did experience shooting myself with needles during my infertility journey (good 'ole trigger shot to make ovulation occur exactly when the doctors wanted it to.) But I identify with this girl. This girl that is tired of where she's at. This girl who is searching for answers, looking for help, unsatisfied with what life has tossed her way.

Many times I felt like I had no one to talk to, and I felt that maybe the people who I did talk to were getting burned out from my constant sadness and tears, my desperation to have a baby. I didn't want to make other people uncomfortable or feel bad about their own pregnancies, whether they were trying for a baby or not, so alot of times I just kept my mouth shut.

I had many dark days over the last 5 years where I felt lower than I've ever felt before. Feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness, deep mourning for lost pregnancies, anger at God, etc.

Today, at this moment, I am happy. I am, at the moment, off the rat wheel of infertility. We're not pregnant, and we're not focused on becoming pregnant. I'm looking for every blessing I have, every person that I can encourage, and focusing on the good in my life. So for now, I'm done running only to stand still.

Barbara’s Bed and Breakfast

Rating System 1 -5 Globes, 5 being the best!

Website ~ http://www.barbarasbnb.com/ 

Location ~ Estes, Park, CO

Date of Stay ~ May 13-15, 2017

Name of Room ~ Arlene’s Room

Price Point ~ $155 per night, tax included.

Two Night Stay Required ~ No

Innkeeper/Staff ~ Barbara -

Breakfast ~
SO much food. Always had coffee, juice, baked goods, fruit, eggs, meat and something else on the table. We left so full every morning and were sent with goodie bags with the leftover baked goods to take on our hikes. We never ate lunch while we were at Barbara’s B&B, because her breakfast kept us full until dinner.
The guests eat together at the dining table at whatever time they agree upon. We ate at 7:00 the first 2 mornings and 8:00 the last.
There was a table out on the deck that would have been lovely to eat at if the mornings hadn’t been quite so cool.
Just so we can remember, the first morning Barbara served homemade blueberry muffins, eggs benedict, hashbrowns, mixed fruit and sausage. The second morning she served homemade cinnamon rolls (OMG!), fruit, overeasy eggs, hashbrowns, biscuits, gravy, country-fried steak and sausage. The last morning she served homemade coffee cake, waffles with strawberries, syrup and or whip cream, over-easy eggs, bacon and sausage, scratch fried potatoes and a delicious yogurt smoothie.

Bed Quality (Mattress, Headboard, Squeaky) ~

Linens (Towels and Sheets) ~

Bathroom Amenities/Toiletries Provided ~
Arlene’s room had a great big Jacuzzi tub, that I used to soak in after hiking. Loved it! Barbara also provided tons of shampoo, nice soaps (both bars and bottles), sunscreen, shaving gel, blowdryer, curling iron, feminine hygiene products, literally everything!

Happy Hour/Afternoon Tea/Snacks Provided ~ Our room was stocked with a Keurig with coffee, tea, and hot chocolate. There was a mini fridge with water, sodas and beer. And a basket full of goodies including popcorn, granola bars and Rice Krispy Treats! All of this was included with the price of the room, and Barbara kept our mini fridge stocked.

Privacy/Ambience/Noise in House ~ Arlene’s Room was in the bottom of the main house, and Barbara is an early riser. The noise didn’t bother us at all, because we are also early risers. But if you want to sleep in, check out Thumbelina’s Cottage, which is separate from the main house (but it does not have the Jacuzzi tub).

Room Amenities ~
We got hot the first night, before we realized we needed to sleep with the windows open. The ceiling fan made quite a bit of noise, so it wasn’t worth it to us to have it on.
We really enjoyed the big tv and relaxing at night in our king-sized bed, or the sofa if we were waiting on the shower.
There were plenty of books and movies in the room for our use along with wifi and cable.

Parking ~

Ease of Walking to Town ~

Things to Do ~ Hiking Galore, plus lots of shopping and eating, walking around Lake Estes, staring at the mountains, etc. I could have stayed for a week!

Restaurants/Breweries ~ We ate at Smokin’ Dave’s BBQ, Dunraven Inn, and Antonio’s Pizza. All were delicious, but I’ve listed them in order of my favorites.

Hikes/Places to Run ~
We didn’t run on this trip, but Lake Estes would be perfect for a morning jog. We did the following hikes and loved them all: Deer Mountain (6.5 miles), Bear Lake, Emerald Lake, Nymph Lake, Alberta Falls (6.25 miles total), Twin Sisters Summit (7 miles) and Wild Basin to Ouzel Falls in Allenspark (5.5 miles).

Guest Encounters ~
On this trip we met a lovely retired man named Allen. He spoke so fondly of his late wife, Joyce and of all their trips together. He said he loved the relationship Dave and I share in that we have so much in common with each other and both love to be outside.

Trip Pictures!