Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Running to Stand Still

This past weekend, my mom took me on an amazing birthday trip (1/2 year delayed, but wait till you hear what we did!). We saw U2 in concert on their 30th Anniversary Joshua Tree Album tour. She drove up to Tulsa Wednesday, spent 2 nights with me and Dave, and then her and I road tripped down to Dallas for the concert. It was amazing, blew my socks off, the boys still have it!

We then played and relaxed at the Gaylord Texan resort Saturday and headed north on I-35 Sunday.

As I danced, sang, yelled and was in awe over my favorite band Friday night, unbelievably, my head and heart turned back to our infertility journey. One of my favorite songs from the Joshua Tree Album is Running to Stand Still. As I listened to Bono passionately sing through the lyrics, I thought, "oh my gosh, some of this is me. Some of this song is about what I've been living the last 5 years." I've been running only to stand still.

"And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lyin' still.
Said I gotta do something
About where we're goin'.

Step on a fast train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night.
Singing ah, ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.

Sweet the sin, bitter the taste in my mouth.
I see seven towers, but I only see one way out.
You gotta cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice.
You know I took the poison, from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here, singing
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.

She walks through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain.
In through a doorway
She brings me white golden pearls
Stolen from the sea.

She is ragin'
She is ragin'
And the storm blows up in her eyes.
She will suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand still."

Now if some of these lyrics are about drug abuse, no, I haven't turned to that. But I did experience shooting myself with needles during my infertility journey (good 'ole trigger shot to make ovulation occur exactly when the doctors wanted it to.) But I identify with this girl. This girl that is tired of where she's at. This girl who is searching for answers, looking for help, unsatisfied with what life has tossed her way.

Many times I felt like I had no one to talk to, and I felt that maybe the people who I did talk to were getting burned out from my constant sadness and tears, my desperation to have a baby. I didn't want to make other people uncomfortable or feel bad about their own pregnancies, whether they were trying for a baby or not, so alot of times I just kept my mouth shut.

I had many dark days over the last 5 years where I felt lower than I've ever felt before. Feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness, deep mourning for lost pregnancies, anger at God, etc.

Today, at this moment, I am happy. I am, at the moment, off the rat wheel of infertility. We're not pregnant, and we're not focused on becoming pregnant. I'm looking for every blessing I have, every person that I can encourage, and focusing on the good in my life. So for now, I'm done running only to stand still.


  1. Catherine RennerMay 30, 2017 at 4:26 PM

    I love what you wrote about the song lyrics. It breaks my heart to think about the many dark days you've experienced over the past 5 years but I love your honestly and I love the place your at right now...."looking for every blessing and every person you can encourage". People are naturally drawn to you, it's one of your greatest gifts along with your sincere heart. It makes me heart happy that you want to use these gifts to help others which will in turn bless you even more.

    1. Thank you so much, Catherine :)

  2. Really beautiful post written by a beautiful person.

    1. Thank you, Jess. You've been my rock through it all. Love you.

  3. I have always loved your beautiful, gracious spirit, and this is a perfect representation of that. Gave me goosebumps. You are amazing, and I am SO thankful to call you my friend. I can't wait to read more!

    1. Thank you, Megan. Your comment made me tear up. So grateful for our friendship!

  4. This is beautiful, friend! I love that your heart is healing. And for the record, I never get tired of listening to your journey. You are so strong. I love you!